Need your help- Writing first draft of novel need some feedback here is part of a chapter-?
Chapter 4
A Inadvertently b perhaps of a Lifetime
“Aaron, where is everybody?” I asked as I saw Aaron sitting alone in front of the whaleback passenger liner.“You know how it is Kyra—they had their own things to do. Last gloaming they came because they were curious who I was, um interested in. That’s all.” Alone at last! Alone—with a dragon! Mister caramel lightly dipped in bleak chocolate eyes! The eyes that I felt I could meld into…“Kyra. Kyra!”“ Huh?” “ Am I so prolix that you have to day dream when you’re with me?” he smirked, gently caressing my cheek.“No! No! I was straight thinking.” Whew, if he only knew the influence his eyes had on me. “So Aaron, what are we accepted to do tonight? Jump in the lake, cascade over mountains, or talk.” I was so engross staring into his eyes that I he had already changed into his dragon formation and was flipping me onto his back.“ Aiii…” I screamed, surprised.“Let’s talk” I heard him say in my rocker as we flew low over the water.“Skiff! Boat!” was all I could scream as a small craft quickly appeared in our path. I closed my eyes not second-rate to see the impact. Instead, I felt the feeble shift in Aaron’s body as he coasted out of its road.“You can open your eyes now.” he gurgled and snorted. Was he laughing!“Ya go on and laugh at me” I fumed, “You wouldn’t contemplate it so funny if we would have crashed.” His gurgling and snorting continued, he was laughing so indurate his body was shaking, tickling me as I hung on.“Block.. hahaha… that!”
We landed at top of the Aerial Enshrine Bridge.
The glow of the Duluth/Classier lights were all around us as I gawked at the pristine asset of the lights, lake and the night. I could see minuscule white shapes floating, reflecting the urban district lights on the lake.
“Those are seagulls.”“Seagulls? I memory they would find some warm, dry place to sleep on realty.” “ Seagulls are opportunists. They forty winks in their nests when the have young otherwise they sleep anywhere they are away from their predators, and I don’t about Lake Superior has many predators that can eat a subsist healthy seagull.”“ Do you eat seagulls?”“ Na, some of the others do but for me they’re too feathery. Yuck! Last period I tried one it took me weeks to get the feathers out of my teeth!” I trust he brushes his teeth! Yuck! Carefully, he set me down on the timber he had been standing on—changing back. The winds off the lake startled me, as they blew I had to struggle to maintain my toe-hold.“Aaron!” I cried as my feet slipped out from under me. I was falling!“Gotcha!” he said in my ear. We were both sitting down, me in his lap, and his fragrant-arms tightly around me. We sat there in silence—watching. Watching—together—in his arms—clouds parade exhibit by, the ships cast in darkness on the lake- rolling with a glimmer of tongue-lash. “Kyra, what did you want to ask me?” His whiff tickled my ear.“Huh? Oh!” I said as his air seeped through the fog of my mind. “I wanted to distinguish why are there dragons here and why this area? In all the books I be familiar with, dragons exist everywhere but here!” “ Dragons like humans are everywhere. It’s lately we choose to live hidden—if most humans knew we exceptionally did exist, they would try to put us in zoo’s and dissect us; trying to find out whether we were more like lizards or snakes. Through r we have learned that humans kill what they are panic-stricken of, even themselves…”
I kissed him. On the cheek- I couldn’t improve myself- he seemed so, sad.
“We would rather live in our dragon form, but with humans, living almost everywhere on the clay—if we wanted to survive—we didn’t have a voice.”I started to think about what might happened if someone, anyone who was not well-disposed to keep their secret proved Aaron and his style existed and who they were as humans.“Aaron, can you on what you look like as a human?”“No, we can only select the age.”“Your age! How old are you, as a dragon?” I never sympathy about how long the legends said dragons could survive. I guess I just assumed he was my age even in dragon. “Hmm.. about 225 years old. Give or take a a handful of years.”“ 225! Than why are you hanging out with me? I’m a scarcely young aren’t I?”Aaron explained to me how dragon age and benign age is not the same; just like a dog’s age is not really the same as a benevolent. That in approximation of dragon age he was about the same age as me and had as much to learn about the cosmos as I did. “Feel better?” he laughed, hugging me tighter.“Yes much more wisely, I was starting to think all I was to you was a plaything.”“Never! Are you longing?”“ A little. Why are you?”“ Hungry!”
Did he say famished? Oh no! I never asked him if he ate humans!
“Umm—you don’t eat people do you?” “Only those that rile me.” He laughed, teasingly. Whew, that was a support. Feeling playful—I leaned near to his ear and whispered, “I don’t annoy you do I.”
Aaron grabbed me and threw me up into the air of the biting moonlit night. My scream forgotten in my throat. He won’t let me fall to my death- instantly? I was only teasing. I felt the wind bolt from the blue against my body—suffocating me as I tried to thigh-slapper-I was going to pass out! I watched as the foundation rose to meet me. “Aaron WHAT did I do?” I tried to laugh when all of a sudden I was jerked hard upstanding, thrown into the air once again and landed safely on Aarons back. “I’m stark; I didn’t mean to scare you. Let’s go eat!” Eat—eat—does he over I feel like eating after almost crashing to my extirpation because of him?“I’m NOT hungry. Humph…” I said, kicking him in the side.“I said I was conscience-stricken—what more do you want?” Does he characterize as I am going to talk to him, after what he did?“Kyra, I was honourable playing. Please, please believe me when I tell you I would have never let anything upon to you!”“ PLAYING, PLAYING! YOU call that playing?”“ I conjecture to someone who can’t fly, I can understand how they wouldn’t think that as playing.”“ You got that justice!”
We landed in a secluded area on the unvarying shores of Canal Park.“Where to?”“Issue my lead.” Aaron said once he changed in person form, holding my hand in his and led the way. We only had to lane a little ways before arriving at a restaurant.
“Have you ever eaten here Kyra?”
“Ya, the viands’s yummy.”
“Yummy?”
“Yes, yummy.”
He looked mixed up. Hasn’t he ever heard the word luscious before? He ordered a big steak with all the works, and I politely said, “The same!” as the server took our kind. He looked surprised but not as surprised as I was for how forward I was being. Why not? Didn’t he throw me off the top of the Arial Plagiarize Bridge? A girl can really travail up an appetite once the shock wears off a mean death experience.
“I guess you’re weak-kneed that this might be your last meal?” Aaron said as he laughed from across the eatables.“Aaron, what do people entertain the idea when at school you’re in a wheelchair and out of school your not?”“I good make sure to avoid them. Mainly after school I am at places they aren’t—unless of despatch they can change into birds.” “ Why the at chair? You don’t need it?”Aaron explained to me how he chose to be in a wheelchair at denomination; that he couldn’t walk—even if he tried. “Why? How can you lane one minute and than not the next? I don’t understand.”
“We all do—sometime during our lives.”
He looked so uncomfortable—as if he was giving away the whole show me a deep dark secret.
“So—how about those Twins,” I chirped.
“Twins, aren’t they baseball? We’re in football mellow now.”
I smacked my head with the palm of my shackles. How could I forget it was football season? I lived on the Wisconsin-Minnesota periphery—all the rivalry going on between Packer and Viking fans was almost as gripping as the sport itself. Our talking ebbed as our aliment arrived— shoveling taste after bite as if we were starving in our hungry mouths.
“We have to egg or you’re going to be late!” Aaron said after he paid for our eatables and left a sizable tip for the server.We rushed out the door, tournament down the street towards the white and black lighthouse on Canal Estate. “Why—are—we going there?” I asked Aaron when we were half way there.“People on the rocks,” was all he said as he grabbed my tender and hurried me along. With a flick of his wrist, I was formation into the air, landing on his back with a thud. I hadn’t even realized Aaron had changed into a dragon all at. “How do you do that!” I called to him as the boloney whipped my voice away, making it a breathe a word.“How do I do what?”“Change into a dragon so quick? Isn’t it difficult?”“ It is more difficult for me to modulate into human form than it is my original deportment-think about it?”
I suppose it would be just as intractable for a human to change into a dragon—the scales as opposed to of hair, big pointy teeth, and razor extreme claws instead of finger nails. I could name a few people who as likely as not wouldn’t have any difficulties with the claws, since they always seem to have them bared and on to use. “Ha ha ha,” I was laughing so stony tears streamed down my cheeks—Aaron had to group to balance me—I almost fell off Aaron’s back.“What’s so jocular that you could have fallen to your doom?”“Claws!” I cried and laughed even harder.“Claws? What is so mysterious about claws?” As we landed in the alley behind my undertaking, I tried to explain to him how some people seemed too always have their claws out. He did not agree until I used a few examples using some kids from drill. “Oh, I get it!”I wasn’t accurate he did, but I think he understood a little happier before I told him goodbye and gave him a responsive peck on the cheek – perpetual into the house so I would not be late.
“Kyra! I was nervous about you. I tried to call you on the cell phone for the last hour and you did not support. Well, young lady?” My dad stood in the kitchen with his feet fast planted shoulder with apart; with his hands on his hips, and glared at me as if I had committed a central sin. He only acted like this when I was seriously in upset.“Hi Honey. Did you have a good at the same time tonight?” Mom said as she walked in the kitchen and stood next to my dad. She must have heard him because before I could reply she asked for her cell phone back.“Here you go mom.” I said sheepishly as I unclipped the apartment phone from my belt and handed it to her. She flipped her phone establish, checking it, holding it up for my dad to see than whispered something in his ear as she chops to him the words ‘sorry’.
“I’m dismal Kyra. Your mom just informed me that she forgot to reverse the ringer and vibrate on, before she gave it to you. Next rhythm you use her cell phone-- please check that it is on.” I stood there in disbelief, how timely I was at that moment. If the ringer or vibrate had been turned on I would have been grounded to my reside for at least a week.“Kyra, I was just now worried something happened to you. I love you.” I hadn’t run up to my dad in years and hugged him, tonight was an find fault with. “I love you too dad.” I said as I squeezed him as tensely as I could. He had been so busy much of my life I had almost forgotten how fretful he got when I wasn’t safe at home.
When I was in sixth group, I went to my first sleep over at a friend’s concern for her birthday. She lived a long way out in the mother country, on a farm. While I was getting my stuff psyched up to go to her sleepover, there was a breaking news story on the television about a recent bear decrial in the area. My dad had been so worried that a bear might rest period into her house and maul me that he forbade me to go to the forty winks over. It wasn’t until my mom’s reassurance that I would be safe-- that the advice report said, “the fall was from a bear attacking campers in their tents- who did not established their food properly- not their homes; did my dad done lift my restriction on going to the cocktail. As my mom and I walked out the door to drive there, he hugged me as if he was never wealthy to see me again. I laughed when the next day my mom told me my dad had dreamed that he was fighting off bears all evensong, which made it impossible for her to get any sleep out of concern that he might take the wrong way her for a bear.
I dragged myself up the stairs to my margin-- dead tired-- I guess all this flying around as a traveller is starting to wear me out. I still had the riddles to clear—tonight I did get some answers only to find more questions. “Goodnight Kyra,” my mom said softly as she pulled my quilt over me, kissing my forehead gently goodnight. “G--sundown mom.” I mumbled as I drifted off to drowse.
It was still dark when I woke up; my heart pounding in my case as I jumped to my feet—ready to keep safe myself from the threat I felt. I glanced defensively around my chamber, noticing nothing out of the ordinary. That was until I saw a blurred reddish brown –what looked to be a kinky handprint on my glass outside my window. As my eyes adjusted to the dim be discovered, I could see that the print was indeed of a hand—a hand principled like Aarons in dragon pattern. “Aaron!” My intention screamed out his name. It was all I remembered as I woke to the sun shinning through my still scarred window, waking me up for a new day.
Chapter 5
The Note
“Nothing’ but a midget late fall house cleaning,” I told my mom as she stood in my doorway watching me scour my window. The windows of our house tournament in for cleaning otherwise I would be frantic about how I was going to thrash the bloody print sticky solidly to the middle of the magnifying glass. I could only wonder if Aaron was playing some under the weather of prank, was he injured somehow, or if one of the other dragons did this.
“Kyra, I cognizant of I usually harp to you to clean your accommodation. It’s forty degrees outside this morning and I do not over now is a good time to clean front windows.”
I knew she was right. It was getting distant in my room from having my window tilted pending but I was sure she would be freaked out if I had left it the way it was.
I got dressed quick, and ran downstairs to the kitchen. My mom was in her usual spot at the chart – cup of coffee in hand—no dad in outrageous.
“Where’s dad?” I asked her as I finished pouring a dish of cereal for myself.
She looked up from the book she had been reading, “Did you consign to oblivion he had to go to work this morning as usual?”
Now I did it! I made her mom radar go off by asking her something I should have known.
Nervously I Sloshed the withdraw, I was trying to pour, over the count top “Oops! I’ll disinfected it up.” I said as I quickly grabbed a towel.
“What is faulty with you today Kyra. First you’re up this morning cleaning your window than forgetting your dad has to calling today- it’s not like you- what’s wrong?”
I wanted to admit her about everything. Aaron and his friends being dragons, flying and about the bloody scrape print—I was afraid. I was afraid if I did direct her and she believed me she would ground me forever or if she didn’t credit me I would feel betrayed- betrayed that she didn’t sign me enough not lie to her about something this serious. So-- I did the best thing I could do at the time.
Shrugging my shoulders as I spooned mouthfuls of globules into my stoma I mumbled, “I don’t know.” A okay response that most children learn as in short order as they can talk to defend themselves from things they do not need to answer.
I felt guilty as I watched my mom quietly get up to pour herself some more coffee. My mom like some adults never forgot what it was like being an teenaged; she knew exactly what I was doing. As I peep over to her empty seat I saw the book she had been reading, ‘Norse Mythology’, it was comparable to the one I saw Aaron reading in school.
“Mom! Where did you get that paperback?”
Startled by the urgency in my voice she turned at once, knocking her cup off the counter and onto the floor.
“Quieten down,” she said as she stooped to definite up the mess. “I found it in your backpack. I’m contrite if I upset you—I didn’t think you would point of view.”
“Oh, no mom, I don’t mind—I just forgot I had that work, that’s all.” I said as I shoved the soft-cover roughly into my backpack.
I glanced cautiously at her to see if she believed me—she did. My thirst felt like it was churning as I realized—she believed me and this lifetime I had lied to her.
What was I doing? I never lied to my mom before—we had an disinterestedness policy. Our ‘honesty principles’ was an agreement my mom and I created together when I was a scrap girl. It said that we were never to lie to one another unless it was restrictive circumstances like the year dad planned a dumbfound party for my mom and I wasn’t supposed to carry weight her—because if I did, it would have wrecked the surprise. Otherwise, we were to be honest with each other.
I didn’t unusually lie though-- I just used the word forgot rather than didn’t have knowledge of-- Maybe I really did forget with all the things occasion. Just maybe, Aaron gave me the words and I unconsciously put it in my backpack. Great! Now, I was untruthful to myself.
“Oh this fell out of your book,” she said handing me a ragged folded piece of paper. “In receptacle you’re wondering,” she continued, “I didn’t unhampered it. I respect your privacy.”
This morning was turning out to be one of those days when you wished you stayed OK in bed. Filled with guilt for the partial lie and now her pronouncement of how she respects my privacy I did the only thing I could do.
I smiled an uttered a “Thanks mom,” stuffing the note in my back pinch as I leaned in and kissed her on the cheek before I grabbed my greatcoat and out the door, walking quickly to the bus stay.
Once at school, I scanned the hallways in between group, hoping to catch a glimpse of Aaron, Andrea or some awareness of any of the other dragons I saw in human form my first tenebriousness at Barkers Island.
Class after grade went by without seeing any of them—I was hopeful, that at lunch Andrea would be there, for my obey was consumed by theories about the bloody present/claw print.
“That maybe it wasn’t blood at all but red clay. Aaron could have gotten it on his hands/claws before he put the earmark in my backpack when I was sleeping” or “it was reasonable a prank one of the other dragons was pulling to make one's flesh creep me.”
Though my theories were plausible—I could find loopholes in all of them—except two--, one that Aaron was woe and the other that it was a prank. If only I could find Aaron or Andrea, they might have knowledge of.
Lunchtime came and I decided to buy my lunch. The in a row wasn’t very long—grabbing an apple, a salad, and a keep in check of water—I proceeded to the cashier.
She looked bored as she said, “$2.20” while she held out her accessible for the money.
I reached in my back pocket pulling out the liquidate I had stashed there when I noticed the note that had fallen out of the ‘Norse Mythology’ publication this morning. Hanging on to my two one-dollar bills and fishing in my front cavity for the twenty cents- finding two dimes. I dropped the notes into her hand, snatched up my tray, scanned for a contain where Andrea (if she was at school) could find me, and a little isolation to look at the tattered folded analysis. I found the perfect table. It was close to the cafeteria doors—so that Andrea wouldn’t lass me—as well as the space was busy enough for now one to care about what I was doing.
I opened the legal papers carefully; afraid if I hurried I would shoot it, and spread the note out in front of me.
I know I have seen symbols like this somewhere, but where; peradventure in history class when we were studying elderly Egypt.
“Hey, I heard their serving ‘wing dings’ today!” A trainee said loudly to his pal as they walked to the lunch be on the take, disrupting my thoughts.
All through lunch, I feigned the note trying to decipher any of it, while automatically fetching bite after bite out of my apple. The salad was forgotten.Br-i- ng….the bell rang out; outmoded to move on to my next class. Disappointed, I jammed the note in my backpack, stuffed the leftover lunch in the malarkey, hopeful that Aaron would be in Biology to ingenuousness my fears and explain what was going on.
In the hallway my entirely started throbbing, at first a dull torment just behind my ear, it steadily increase as I made my way to type. “Stress headache,” I muttered, upsetting to comfort myself as the pain in my head amplified.
“Kyra.. Kyra…” I heard someone behind me insinuate, I turned around towards the sound to see who said it, but all I saw were a sea of faces bobbing to their next caste. I must be imagining it, I thought. Until I heard my name, being whispered again only this, epoch more urgent. “What!” I replied, frustrated as I abruptly spun around and smacked into Mr. Wilson my biology lecturer, almost knocking him off his feet. He was so shocked he could only sputter and damage his head as I offered him a quick apology and scooted off to my next domain hoping the time would go by quickly. As I sat in class waiting for it to be over; the thrum in my chief honcho worsened, I started to shiver from the suffering. “Just a little bit longer,” I coaxed myself difficult to hold out until biology. Than I would ask Mr. Wilson for a obsolescent to go to the nurses office, but only after I talk to Aaron.
“KYRA!” I heard someone laugh, as I started trembling uncontrollably as an fanatical pain tore through my head. Blinding me as my masses plummeted off my chair down to the cold tiled drub. I never heard the bell ring for biology.
“Kyr.. ra..,” a uncanny voice whispered in the night; the moon lighting up everything around me in an ethereal be; I saw waves undulating far below me, embracing the rocks that jutted maliciously out of the spray, reaching for me, calling my name. I teetered on the lip of the precipice imploring my body not to comeback. I could only watch, feeling the alarm stimulate up in me as my arms reached out to them. “Ky…ra” they called, “down attack to us..” I wobbled, resisting, as my feet stirred active closer to the edge. Amongst the waves, sitting on the largest scarp I could see a gloomy figure, battered and bloody looking up at me with big sad eyes. “Kyr.. Ra” it called up at me, “RUN!” The benighted silhouette’s command shocked me out of my torpor. Regaining control over my body and feeling, I spun around and ran howling “Noooo…!” as I bring about the broken figure on the rocks, had been Aaron in his dragon manner. I found myself running through the wood, branches slashing, grabbing at me upsetting to stop my plight. When I could run no more, I tumbled to the terrain and sobbed. I wept for Aaron, wondering if he was still spirited or if the crashing tide washed him away. I cried for myself, late, afraid, and confused. Wondering how I got to the rock-face when my last memory was of me sitting safe in my class at tutor, waiting for the bell to ring, for my next distinction was biology. The only class I had Aaron in; who might put behind bars the answers that I needed.
A shadow flickered across the range. Looking up I saw a large dark define looming just above the trees, undeviatingly over my head. I crouched lower, burying my senior in my arms, trying to shield myself from its aim. “Kyr.. ra,” it sang to me, it words vibrating through my undecided, “don’t be afraid.” I heard the rustling of branches as it made its thoughtful. I looked up, startled to see Andrea, my alter ego, looming over me. She was more beautiful than I remember, as the moonlight shimmered in waves off her gloominess lavender scales. I tried to find the words to talk her about Aaron, to ask her what was happening, as she gently picked me up and placed me on her back. “Consort with on,” she called, her voice diffused as a lullaby “I’m here to bring you bailiwick.”
Oh I almost forgot it is young adult fiction
Over the last three months I have had no feedback on it- I am up to 30,000 words and another probally 30,000 until it is altogether finished.
This is not my first attemp at a novel, the others I tried to effective from short stories I had written into novels- this became a blockbuster from the beginning.
Its taken me 20 years to start book again.....
I need honesty - critique - for a publisher is not out there reasonable to be nice to everyone.
exert first chapter-
to hands clarify....
My world is falling individually. The world I thought I knew. The era where I felt apart of instead of the refugee I feel like now.
How did this happen? I kept asking myself. How am I so strange from my peers? My wants, needs, desires... My reactions to them over stepping my boundaries- the boundaries of benignity, while they talk to me and treat me anyway they please. Expecting me to unfurl over and play dead or abide to their wishes as if I am some genie in a lamp. Icy me off with anger when I do not abide or struggle to indicate them no. Why do I have to be like them? Why do I have to be like everyone else? As if, I was to be supposed to be created in their conception instead of my Gods. Doesn’t it say we are theoretical to turn the other cheek to find understanding of one another, compassion, acceptance…?
Ok...
What you have in your baksheesh manuscript is basically a plot periphery. It reads ok as play by play but it needs to be more descriptive and withdraw arrive the reader in. I will try to give you an example, but it will not necessarily fit the courage or relationships you are creating. One more point, try to use 3rd woman in your narration. It is a bit of a fine sticking time, but 1st person is considered a bit to egocentric for most composition.
Example:
From across the ripening fields or wheat, etched in frames of thatched village hearth smoke, the dragon and foetus played. Sinister scales of crimson and peerage purple reflected the late October sun's last rays as if circumambient them in breathed flame, and yet no malice shown in a leap of equals of friends even from so far away their tittering could not be heard.
While there has been of consequence pushback to Pavio's theory since its introduction in the 1970s, numerous experiments have shown that allusion activates multiple, weighty neural pathways of memory remember. For exemplar, when we look at Ingrid
